Fresh Start with Dr David - Season 2 - Episode 18 - Boundaries & Limitations - 05082023
This Podcast Episode is all about Boundaries & Limits
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.
7 Types of Boundaries You May Need
What boundaries do you need?
1) Physical Boundaries. ... 2) Sexual Boundaries. ... 3) Emotional or Mental Boundaries. ... 4) Spiritual or Religious Boundaries. ... 5) Financial and Material Boundaries. ... 6) Time Boundaries. ... 7) Non-Negotiable Boundaries.
What is an example of a boundary?
Rivers, mountain ranges, oceans, and deserts can all serve as physical boundaries. Many times, political boundaries between countries or states form along physical boundaries. For example, the boundary between France and Spain follows the peaks of the Pyrenees Mountains, while the Alps separate France from Italy.
A boundary is a border and it can be physical, such as a fence between two properties, or abstract, such as a moral boundary that society decides it is wrong to cross. If you have no sense of boundaries, you probably annoy people sometimes by getting too close to them or talking about inappropriate topics.
What does a person with no boundaries look like?
Individuals who lack appropriate boundaries often struggle with telling others how they feel (for fear of rejection or ridicule), struggle with feeling burdened by how others perceive them (due to a desire to people-please), strive to make everyone happy with their performance (at work, in school, at home, etc.), and ...Jul 14, 2015
Healthy boundaries are the limits you place around your time, emotions, body, and mental health to stay resilient, solid, and content with who you are. These empowering borders protect you from being used, drained, or manipulated by others.
You can set boundaries around:
Emotional energy Time Personal space Sexuality Morals and ethics Material possessions and finances Social media
Boundaries can be set with:
Family Friends Romantic relationships Coworkers Strangers
Though they aren’t as blatantly clear as a fence, wall, or “no trespassing” sign, healthy boundaries communicate to others what you will and will not tolerate. In short, boundaries empower you to take charge of your life.
Why Do You Need Boundaries?
Personal boundaries are at the root of a fulfilled, balanced life. Without them, people can quickly lose themselves in their work, relationships, familial obligations, or service to others. They can even wind up being exploited or taken advantage of by people who do not respect them.
These borders help define what you are willing to say “yes” to and what you decide to say “no” to. They give you a sense of agency and sovereignty over your decisions.
Like an internal compass, boundaries can all start with a “gut feeling” that tells you when you have the time or energy to devote to something versus when you need to say “no.”
Good boundaries free you to live life on your terms.
Healthy Boundaries vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
People with solid boundaries tend to have lower levels of stress and higher self-esteem because they prioritize their well-being.
On the other hand, people without boundaries may inadvertently let others take advantage of them. They may lack self-confidence, a sense of purpose, or a clear identity to guide them through life. Counselor Dr. Dana Nelson writes, “in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout.”
People without boundaries can be easily persuaded into things they don’t want to do because they may be acting out of guilt or obligation rather than self-love.
Signs of Healthy Boundaries Potential Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
Protect yourself from getting taken advantage of
Vulnerable to being “used” or taken advantage of
Own your time
Over-commit your time to others and leave little time for yourself
High self-esteem and self-respect
Lower self-esteem and critical inner dialogue
Prioritize time for yourself
Give a lot of their time to other people
You only take on responsibilities you can handle; you don’t overcommit yourself Feeling exhausted or burnt out by overwhelming commitments and responsibilities
Authentically say “no” if you don’t have the energy or capacity to do something Have a hard time saying “no” Set limits for others without feeling bad
Feel guilty for expressing boundaries
Strong sense of identity and direction Change yourself to fit in with different people
Take care of your own problems and understand that you cannot heal other people’s issues for them
Take on other people’s problems as your own
You clearly communicate your needs and wants; you prioritize your self-care
You put other people’s needs and wants before your own
Suppose you’re tired of living your life for other people or find yourself exhausted by all the commitments you’ve made to others. In that case, it’s time to set some boundaries and reclaim the power of your time, energy, and mental well-being.
5 Effective Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries comes down to communication. Communicating your needs and desires is the most vital step toward defining your limitations and living a more liberated existence.
Visualize and Name Your Limits
The first and most important step to defining your boundaries is to make them concrete. Boundaries are often confusing and abstract because they feel invisible in our daily lives.
However, by visualizing your boundaries and writing them down, you can get much more clarity on where you want to draw the line between you and other people.
Set aside some time to reflect on the state of your life. Ask yourself:
What is causing me unnecessary stress or discomfort? What do I look forward to each day versus what do I dread? Who or what gives me energy? What areas of my life do I feel exhausted by? What makes me feel safe, supported, and valued?
Draw a large circle on a blank piece of paper. Inside the circle, write everything that makes you feel safe and stress-free.
A daily routine Words of affirmation from your partner Hugs from your loved ones Leaving work stress in the office Clear communication from your loved ones Freedom to decide how you spend your free time Saying “no” to energy vampires Autonomy over your body
On the outside of the circle, write down anything that causes you discomfort, pain, annoyance, or emotional exhaustion. These are the people or situations pushing the limits of your boundaries.
Your mom telling you what to do with your life Working after-hours on projects instead of prioritizing your self-care Worrying about what certain people think about you Your cousin asking to borrow money Your coworker constantly dumping her relationship problems on you at lunch Your roommate eating your food from the fridge Your boyfriend/girlfriend controlling who you talk to or hang out with Strange people at the bar touching you without asking Acquaintances asking deep or intimate questions about your life This circle represents a visible manifestation of your limits. It’s time to take anything outside the circle and determine how you can define a boundary that will prevent or eliminate those issues in the future.
Openly Communicate Your Boundaries
One of the biggest mistakes people make is setting boundaries in their minds but not openly sharing them with the people in their life. Sometimes people assume that you should know their boundaries. But if they didn’t clearly communicate where they’ve drawn the line, how will you know when you’ve overstepped it?
This can seem daunting and scary, but it can feel like a significant relief once you get it out of the way. As social psychology researcher Brene Brown says, “clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” Once you know your boundaries, you have to communicate them.
Take a deep breath, gather your resolve, and assertively express your needs in a kind, direct way.
HOW TO CLEARLY COMMUNICATE BOUNDARIES
Time Boundary “I can only stay for an hour” or “If you’re going to be late, please let me know ahead of time.” Energy Boundary “I don’t have the energy to help you with [their request] right now, but maybe [this resource] can help.”
Emotional Dumping “I understand you’re having a hard time and I want to be there for you, but I don’t have the emotional capacity to listen right now.”
Personal Space Boundary “It makes me feel uncomfortable when you [touch or action]. If you can’t respect my space, I’ll have to leave.”
Conversational Boundary “This is not a topic I’m willing to discuss right now.”
Comment Boundary “I don’t find those types of comments funny.”
Mental Boundary “I understand we see things differently and I respect your opinion, but please don’t force it on me.”
Material Boundary “Please ask me first before borrowing my [possession]” or “I would appreciate it if you didn’t touch my [material thing].”
Social Media Boundary “I don’t feel comfortable with you posting that on Instagram.”
Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/
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